Almost 40 and I have nice boobs

I decided the other night that I have nice boobs.  They make a nice cleavage and are not drooping.  This is what I got upon my arrival of the hill.  No babies have drained them, and even though it may be very shallow of me to say, i have gone and said it anyway.  One classy dame;)

"why is it necessary for there to be a piece of paper that symbolizes commitment?" "which is better, to go before a legal system or for someone to have my word that i am committed to them?" says he.

"i cannot trust your word because i do not trust mine. words spoken from human intention are likened to a piece of glass. even if it is not intentionally broken, over time the elements of life etch and scratch at the surface until it cracks and shatters into a million pieces."
says she.

"if not my word, then you will trust our laws?" says he.

"it is there for my protection and for yours. the human heart is prone to wander like lost sheep. i will want to wander and so will you. we need the law to remind us of our commitment and help us stay the course." says she.

thoughts on marriage...

"hmm." says he.

been reading alot these days...Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz," C.S. Lewis "The Abolition of Man," and Garrison Keillor "Wobegon Boy." was talking with a chap at starbucks the other day about drinking alot. he said he does so in order to forget things. in some ways i believe reading does that for me. i'm an escapist at heart. i guess the difference would be getting lost in someone else's reality verses losing touch with reality. anyway, it's made me go into deep thought mode, which can be very dangerous for me. i love being in a world that my imagination has created. in my imaginary world people love, hurt and feel much deeper than my reality. there may be walls, but they can always be removed. the depth of my imagination can take me places that seem untouchable. people see me for who i am or at least who i think i am. which makes wonder, which is more true: the me i see inside, the me i portray to others, or the me that others percieve of me? and in which of those ways does the lord reveal who i truly am. Oswald Chambers wrote in "My Utmost For His Highest" that the Lord is revealing parts of who you are, good and bad, by the people that surround you. a friend of mine disagreed, but i'm not so sure that oswald is entirely wrong. i don't know.

i've been hearing this cliche phrase in my head and i'm going to throw it out there so bare with me... in the grand scheme of life there are two kinds of people: 1)those who sprint 2) those who run marathons. i guess i'm a sprinter. the gun shoots and i'm off running. no one is going to catch me. i'm invincible... until about half way through the race i start thinking about things and before i know it something pretty and shiny has caught my eye and i'm not even on the track anymore. i have always been and will always be a drifter and a dreamer. here is the problem with this cliche phrase. it was coined in the 20th century. a product of our modern world view on life. they assume that there is one track to be on and it's how you run that race and that race only that counts. maybe a postmodern view would say that everyone is running their own course... better yet why do we have to run? why can't some of us walk or crawl or mosey? and why is it assumed that we run this race alone? i want to participate in this "race" with all of my friends along side of me. i want to pick flowers, eat some amazing food, have a glass a wine and all the while having a good laugh and some meaningful conversation. i want every minute to count. i don't want to race at all. i'm sick of racing. it's stupid and pointless. survival of the fittest. it's bull crap. the whole evolution theory has done more than piss christians off, (as much as christians would like to deny it we may have been pioneers of the heart behind the theory...) it's provided a evidence for modern society to act in defense of it's arrogant self-centered every man for himself ways. that's what makes the evolution theory fallible. it is just as much based on a social mind set as the creation theory. with two different gods that are served. evolution serves humanity as it's god and creationism serves Yahweh and we are trying to race and prove and postulate and exegete and what i would like to say is stop it, stop it, stop it. has anyone slowed down to think, reason, talk, laugh, play and get distracted by pretty shiny things that catch our eyes... or more importantly have we loved and been loved? if the only goal in life is to win than we may finish the race, but we may be surprised at what reward we have won by doing so.

shaloam

it's been a month and i apologize for those of you i have told to come and check out my blog to find that there is absolutely nothing there. i've been...poopy. i really like the word poopy because it's playful enough to throw out there, yet it captures the essence of a mood so well. anyway, a lot has happened since Feb. went on a vacation to Hilton Head, SC. it was good, it was interesting, it was lonely. went by myself for a four day pilgrimage seeking clarity, and on my way back into NC i wound up getting a $350 speeding ticket. how's that for clarity?... i wanted to shove that ticket up his keester.

back to the good parts of the trip... first day on the beach i came across a man in a kilt playing the bagpipes. it was spiritually moving. the moan of the instrument mixed with the sound of the waves and the wind. really cool.

funny story: as i was walking along the beach i started collecting shells; as every good tourist should do. an elderly woman from the island came trotting next me. how do i know she was from the island? her walking attire said it all to me. it was hot pink and looked like it jumped off of the Neiman Marcus racks. she was oozing wealth and wealthy people are the only ones to be found with homes along the beach, right? (yes, i stereotype) anyway she flippantly says to me, "so, i see you're collecting treasures from the sea." and i say "no, i'm saving them from their future pitiful existence of merely existing as an ornament." kidding. i of course say yes. and she starts to trot ahead of me. at the exact same time we notice a shell that is about the size of my hand laying on the shore. she starts to head towards it and in my mind i'm thinking of all the ways i can thank her for giving me such an incredible shell. just as i reach her, she turns to me and says, "you don't find this very often," and proceeds to take off with the shell in hand. i'm thinking, "i can take you out, you old bitty." but i restrain. i have a lengthy conversation with myself about how i have to let it go and questioned whether or not i would have given it away to someone either. i prayed about and decided i was over it. just then, she does an about face, and starts towards me. she walks up and asks me if i'm visiting the island and i say yes. she then hands me the shell and walks away. i gave it away to a family collecting shells further down the beach.

i also had lunch with a guy from chicago and went out with the locals for some brewskies at the local pub. overall i had fun, made some friends and learned some valuable lessons. not such a bad trip.

the "i'm a complete idiot" part of my blog...
so last week i'm feeling really sick and had a fever and decide to go home. as i pull up onto my street all of the high school kids are getting off the bus. they're everywhere! i pull up into the drive and start to get out to find that one of the kids is checking the mailbox. i give him the "what in the heck do you think you're doing look" and ask him why he's checking my mail. he gives me the "what in the heck are you talking about look." and starts to head towards the house. HIS HOUSE. i had pulled into the wrong driveway. to make matters worse every kid in the neighborhood saw it and stood there pointing their wormy little fingers and laughing. eediot.

peace

mel

i went to a party last saturday night..."didn't get laid, i got in a fight. uh huh. it ain't no big thing." sorry for the Lita Ford flashback. anyway... i don't know if i should call it a party or a gathering? either way, here's the situation. (my parents went away for a week's vacation and... sorry! can't get songs out of head.)
there are people sitting in this room whom up to this point have never met each other. we are playing a game called Loaded Questions. the jist of this game is that one player asks a questions like "What person do you wish you could meet and why?" the rest of the players respond and turn in there answers to a person who reads them out loud. the player who asked the question has to guess the other team members response. so it's my turn and the question is..."what was your most embarrassing moment?" now i have to guess each persons response. here were the answers:

1) got caught masturbating
2) caught my parents having sex
3) saw my brother-in-law naked
4) naked with pickles in school
etc..

i also got the question "which part of the human body is your favorite?" responses:

1) my penis (not just a penis, but MY penis)
2) boobies
3) labia
etc.

let's go back to question number one... when sitting in a room full of strangers, which person should i accuse of getting caught masturbating, and whose hand am i not going to shake at the end of the night?

question number two made me laugh until i got to number three on the list. that's just... icky.

it was really fun, don't get me wrong. i just have never gotten to know people as quickly as i did that night:)

anyway... after that lovely introduction:) here's some spiritual insight...after talking with numerous girls about how we haven't found fellowship, we collectively decided to start a small group gathering on monday nights. this past monday was our first and it was so refreshing. i've been to some small groups and have come away feeling like it wasn't a good fit, but this one is different. i think we are all searching for the same thing, and none of us are sure what it looks like.

i wrote this in my journal last year and it still fits:

"i feel like i'm walking on a spiritual tight rope; stuck between two safe platforms. one of the platforms being the things i've always known and the other being the side that it yet to come. where is god in all of this? i'm in the middle. i'm afraid of falling. it's hard to see either platform from where i'm standing and i'm feeling numb. i'm afraid of falling, but wondering if relinquishing myself might be the best thing to happen?"

deep thoughts:)

peace

mel

so i'm sitting in the library trying to concentrate on words of wisdom i will ly forth to theeuns and it's virtually impossible. my fingers our are so cold that they have turned that purply pinky like hue, my bladder is insanely full, a strange man from across the way keeps on staring and is severely creeping my out, and the biggest promblem i have is that if i choose to leave i will relinquish my computer and the whole 40 minutes i have to take care of all of my internet needs (which are quite lengthy today). so bare with me if this starts to get weird.

a new category for the blog: "lame-ass questions that people ask me almost every day."

i'm a making "lahtae's" behind the espresso bar and call a drink to a customer. after several minutes a customer will come to the bar and ask, "do you know what drink this is?" eediot.

i really have to go, this is awful! blast! i'll be back.

mel