i wish there was something profound and enlightening to write today, but it's just not in me. probably because i puked it all up last night! nothing worse than being sick at work. ugh! i had a hard time keeping it in. and i know the customers are taking it personally that i'm not just tickled pink to see them walk in the door:) all i wanted to do is tell them to "GO AWAY! this stuff is just going to make you fat!" really mean huh? but that's what being sick does to me, it makes me really crabby and really honest. you know how people say that when your drunk that it brings out the "real" you, well i don't believe that. i think that illness's/trials bring out the real you. it tells of what's inside. alchohol has chemicals that alter your personality. that's not the real you, it's the chemically imbalanced you. but illness/trials... ahh there in lies the real test of who you are. when taken away from happy, everyday life and all you have to face is the crap and muck that is the test of true character. obviously, i need to work on mine.

mel

i visited a couple of goodwill's with a friend lately and found some interesting pieces that i now regret not getting...

1. 4 Petra albums. old school Petra...before Beyond Belief Petra.
2. New Kids On The Block - tape and book (did you know that Jordan Knight was a camp counselor? he always seemed like the senistive type:)
3. Julien(?) Lennon album - "it's much too late for goodbye... doo doo doo dooo. butta butta butta but bum." i'm pretty sure i remember the video... he's wearing that hideous striped shirt that made him look like a pantomime... or was he a pantomime? huh.
4. a really cool dress that was made in Hong Kong for people in Hong Kong. i'm seriously crying over not getting it.
5. macrame(?) not sure if i'm spelling it right or not, but you all know that netted art work that all of us had hanging up in our homes in the 70's.

anyway, i don't know why i didn't get these items... they were only like fifty cents a piece. i think it's more fun for me to discover that they still exist than it is to actually own them... or i'm just indecisive about what has value and what doesn't... or i'm emabarassed to admit to people that i would actually pay fifty cents for NKOTB paraphenelia.


on to other ramblings... i worked out today and it felt sooo good. i can't afford it but i somehow have to get hooked up with a workout regimen or something. it helps relieve so much stress and makes me feel ready to take on my life. i also discovered today that mirrors in a gym are evil. i'm awkward and unattractive when i work out and the mirrors make that not only more evident to me but to the entire gym as well! just let me be okay with the image i think i'm portraying verses the one i actually am. in my mind... Jane Fonda ain't got nothing on me. in reality...i resemble the paricipants in Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies." bless their hearts.

i don't think the ice cream truck is ever going to leave the front lawn... it keeps playing some queer version of "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" and then some automated voice comes on and says "hellllo?" it's 10 o'clock in the morning, go away!!! the children are in school! all that is left here are the remnants of summer play and a crabby, tired thirty year old who was just awakened from a glorious slumber by your horror film music.

there... i feel better:)

fake love: a subject Chuck Klosterman addresses in his book "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: a low culture manifesto." (Thanks tRoy for the recommendation:) C.K. rants that the media has brainwashed our society into believing in the idea of love rather than the reality. thanks to countless numbers of writers, musicians and actors our culture is transfixed with the overly romanticized, idealistic, and unrealistic version of "love." oh Bono... you're right, "we still haven't found what we're looking for." Chuck, i couldn't agree with you more! C.K. actually confesses to never being able to satisfy a woman and a woman never satisfying him. wow! he blames it on Lloyd Dobler/John Cusak, which only seems fair. (damn the media for their trickeries and magic tricks that lure us in and suck the reality right out of us!) and he's right... he will never be able to fully satisfy anyone because human love in the real world is not perfect. human love is frail, weak and easily derailed. it keeps records of wrongs, holds grudges, is self-seeking, hurtful, impatient, unkind and manipulative. this certainly doesn't resemble Lloyd Dobler, but it is reality...which is why we love the media and "fake love" so much. it's an escape from ourselves. which to some extent isn't all that bad. i need to have that time, but it certainly doesn't solve anything. as i found to be true in my own life, only the love of God can make me satisfied.


mel

favorite artists to listen to while it's raining:

1. Nora Jones
2. Miles Davis
3. Lionel Ritche
4. Etta James
5. Diana Krall

it's been raining here thanks to Bonnie and Chuck. my fellow employees and i thought it would have made sense to name these tropical storms Bonnie and Clyde... but who are we?

i was watching VH1's "I love the 80's" last night. they were talking about the Cabbage Patch frenzy that happened in 83. i remember people getting trampled at the mall- mom's taking other mom's out to get the last one off the shelf... but not my mom. she was never one to fall into the trap of our modern society. man that pissed me off at the time. why couldn't she be like all the other moms?! didn't she know how emotionally scarring this was for me! she wouldn't even let me have the cheap imitation version, or the home made version that a local was selling in town. i didn't understand her stubborn attitude at the time, but in retrospect i'm kind of glad she stuck to her guns. mom's were honestly trying to convince her to just cave in and get one, "what's the big deal." my mom's reply (an abbreviated version) " good point...they're just stupid dolls. it really isn't that big of a deal." when faced with pear pressure she didn't give in. and i guess i was watching and learning from that. she gave my sisters and i values and self confidence, a much more treasured posession than a "stupid doll."


peace

mel

i have so much to get out of my system today that i have literally started this blog five times! i don't know why i put so much pressure on myself. it's not like i'm writing my master thesis... anyway, i went to Atlanta this weekend and had a fabulous time! there's a vibe there that i am trying to put my finger on... it's a conundrum, a melting pot of people who have gravitated from the northeast, south and like the Bahamas or somting mon. really fun!

highlights from the trip... went to a resteraunt called "The Flying Bisquit." it was located in a vintage/artsy part of town. was disappointed that they didn't throw the bisquits (this would make sense... hense the name "Flying" bisquit), however their food was sooo good! their grits and bisquits with apple butter were to die for! very southern and oh so yummy. while waiting to get in we had a chance to visit some vintage shops and record stores. i ended up buying the Michael Jackson album Thriller. not because i can play it (i don't own a record player), i bought it so i can frame the cover. it brings back lots of memories... and MJ looks hot on that cover.

to wear off the breakfast binge we went to Piedmont Park in the heart of Atlanta. spent the day people watching and playing frisbee. saw something i hadn't seen since i was in grade school. people were actually roller SKATING, not blading. totally awesome and like wicked cool man. my friends had actually seen someone skating while carrying a "boombox" on their shoulder...righteous. also saw a man who was out in left field. literally, he was laying out in the left field of the baseball diamond in his lawnchair smoking a cigar and reading what appeared from a distance to be a children's book. it looked like a hard cover Mother Goose or possibly one of those high-tech children's books that have different sounds you can push on the side that "add" to the story. really entertaining... the guy not the book. well, maybe the book. actually i think i enjoy them more than the kids i know that have them... maybe this guy has something.?

to top off a beautiful day at the park we all went out for ice cream at my favorite, the ColdStone Creamery then drove home in perfect weather with the sunroof open. went to the grocery store and purchased some random favorite food items of mine, sushi and hummus. of course i did not put them together, that would be gross. but i did put them on the same plate... that is kind of gross now that i think of it. oh well, it tasted really good last night.

i needed yesterday. when love was such an easy game to play. all my troubles seemed so far away. oh, i believe in yesterday. thank you beatles for your words of inspiration. it does sum up the feeling...

there was so much more, but i'll spare the details...

mel

song of the day... "the way i am" by Jennifer Knapp. i love this girl. she's so real and plays her guitar like she owns it.

it's an absolutely perfect day out. there is nothing better than mornings spent outside on the deck with nothing but blue skies, the morning sun and a cool breeze. i want to just stay here and bask in it all day. i wish i could play hookie today... i have tomorrow and sunday off, but i'll be traveling to Atlanta. i just want to be lazy...catch some rays, go for a bike ride. well, i guess the whole bike ride thing isn't exactly being lazy, but it's certainly not work related. i'm a little afraid of going for a bike ride here in Charlotte. i'm pretty sure i'ld end up on the Road Kill Cafe menu. crazy drivers! it's nascar country...nuff said.

it's weird how the sun makes me feel... i love it when it's out from the hours of dawn until about 1:00 in the afternoon... everthing about the earth looks rested. it's by far the most alive and refreshing part of the day...but when the sun is out full blast in the afternoon i can't handle it. it's so overwhelmingly bright and intense that to be in it zaps the life out of me. colors can't stand up under the brightness. greens and blues are all melted together. i spend most of the time squinting and squirming just wanting the heat and intensity to lighten up. then around 7:00 p.m. it retrieves and gives itself up to the night and the softer side of the sun comes out. colors of the sky are magnified and the intensity fades to cool and soothing. this may be representative of how i feel about life. i loved my life for the first 2o ish years but right now it's hitting the midday and it's so intense and bright that it's zapping the life out of me. i feel blinded by it. my colors are melting together and i just want this part of my life to be over... but intensity is part of life. in nature the afternoon intensity is what imparts it's growth. without it there would be no life at all. i would be antarctica:) and i guess in the overall picture of life i would rather be lush and green than a frozen tundra... i do believe that dusk will come eventually and all the poo i went through will somehow be worth it in the end.

my teeth hurt... not ache, but hurt! i've got a bridge that was put in 6 years ago that was recently discovered to be a botched up mess by a different dentist. i must confess that i HATE the dentist. nothing about getting a stupid sucking, slobbering tube stuck under your tongue is good... or getting a giant needle shoved into your gums, or the distinctive smell of burning enamel caused by a high pitched squeeling drill... gives me shivers in my bones. i also have a very pathetic jaw muscle. it won't stay open after about 5 minutes... i've seriously almost taken off a dentist's finger. my jaw just clamped shut. i've warned dentists of this, but they don't take me seriously... they should of given me that sicko dentist. i could of taken care of him in no time...:)

random piece of info... to redeem my last experience of getting hit on by a girl, i was recently hit on by a respectable young gentlemen in the library here in Charlotte. Definitely the sexiest place to get hit on!! I'm reading a book on the church and state and he starts up a conversation with me, then proceeds to ask for my number. very hot... smart is definitely an attractive attribute.

i've been attending this new church and i've come across something that has always irritated me about churches... cliques. they drive me insane! i know it's really easy to just be around people that you are comfortable with, but i just can't take that anymore. there is such a need for people to feel a part of something that it just can't happen in our churches. we need to be intentional about reaching out. i guess it's easy for me to passionate about this since i am going through the nkotb syndrom as well. i'm still an idealist, which always sets me up for disillusionment...

i guess that's all the ramblings for now...

Mel